Cancer Sucks.

My sister has cancer. Her cancer is complicated and she has a HUGE team.  Currently, her team is fighting amongst themselves.  Surgeons want to cut, radiation oncologists want to radiate, our main oncologist wants to do chemo/radiation and save surgery as a last resort.

On Thursday, a tumor board at UPENN (Like one of the best training hospitals EVA), is meeting to discuss her case.   There will be an S- ton of the most amazing doctors and researchers, talking about her case.   I promised I would be there.  I would drive her, I would sit by her side and take notes, then I would take her to our favorite spots, we would have pomme frites at Monks and we would have Cerviche at Tequillas and we would weigh the options.  We would talk it in circles, this way and that.  I promised her.  It is what big sisters do. We freaking swoop in and we handle sheez!

Except I have cancer too.  It is a holiday weekend and so my chemo is on Tuesday not Monday. This means that on Thursday at 6am, when I should be picking up my sister for our trek to the city, I will still be wearing a fanny pack that is pushing chemo into my blood at 2 minute intervals.  I will also feel like a rotten mouse burger.  I will need to be unplugged from the chemo pack that is quite literally plugged into a port in my chest, and (because I asked, I am NOT under any circumstances allowed to yank it our myself, even if I promise to wear gloves, use alcohol (not corona)and do it in a hospital corridor…which makes perfect sense to me).

I have cancer and I am not happy about it.  My sister has cancer and my heart is shredded thinking about it.  My cancer is keeping me from being the sister I am meant to be and I don’t know if I can handle it or ever forgive myself.

Tonight, I do not feel strong, I do not feel like I “got this”.

I just feel broken, cancer sucks.